Tag Archive: fear

Moaning, I’m broken…

The breakage is internal, not visible. It’s been a rough week! The dementia, which raises it’s ugly hurtful head, has been working overtime this week. Compulsions, obsessions, demands! How much can I take?

My ‘honey-do’ lists are long, “fix this, look up that, is it time to eat, we need to…” And it has made the days long and hard.

I need a break, that is not possible. Someone has to be here. Yesterday, he felt he needed to climb on a roof. That cannot happen, some days his balance is so bad it’s all he can do to walk safely.

I need some rest, um, no, I’m up early to try to get what I need to do done, and late to be sure things are OK when he is finally ready to call it a day. He’s never ready to do anything until at least noon these days, except eat.

I hope and pray that this is just another passing phase of the illness and things will level out again! At least for a while. I hate seeing him sink into the quicksand of this disease.

I think of the ‘if only’. If only he had not been ‘inappropriate’ with a health aid one day when I thought I could leave him for a couple of hours.

He’s begun to notice more and more, his frustration and anxiety increase as he realizes, when he does, that he can no longer do this or that or remember ‘important’ things.

How much worse must it be for him, in those lucid times? I cannot even imagine! When he speaks of possible future things, I know he is aware of possible outcomes and fears them too.

Hang on, old girl! You have him, or at least most of the time you have a part of him, yes, you cry when he tries to tell you something and that bewildered lost look comes on his face. But he is here, and still responds to a hug or pat on the shoulder.

Be thankful for what you have and the 50+ years you have had this man by your side.

Better than ever

Early last summer, I began having issues with my vision. Having spent most of my life wearing ‘Coke bottle’ glasses, I was quite frightened when the receptionist at the Ophthalmologist office said, “You really should come in today, these symptoms could be serious.”

I packed up my trepidations and away we went. It turned out, I needed cataract surgery. That was scheduled for the following week, with a promise of “You will see better than you have ever in your life.”

OK, Doc! I’m in for this! A few days later, one eye is done and the second scheduled for the folowing week. Dark glasses in place, I excitedly await the outcome!

Day two post surgery, sitting on the front porch without glasses for the first time since I was 9 years old, I an thrilled and astonished by being able to discern leaves on the trees and look out across the yard to the garden and actually see, red tomatoes on the plants! Awe, amazement and great rejoicing!

Day 5, I wake up and the eye, even with careful treatment of TLC and the prescribed eye drops at proper intervals, just does not feel right. Of course, it’s SUNDAY, requiring a call to the ansering service and a call back saying “be at the office at 3:00”.

It turned out that there was an issue, so another, more powerful drop is added to the mix and the second surgery postponed.

Eye One continued to heal well, and finally Eye Two had the needed surgery. This time with no recovery problems.

And, guess, what? the doctor was right! I see without glassses, better than I ever remember.


How much pain rests in the empty place that was my heart?

I sit here, watching the water race through the rocks, seeking peace.

Silvery, translucent in the rising light, sparkling sequins rest, then float away on gossamer wings

Like the dreams I held dear.

I will not stand at the grave weeping useless tears.

Like the damselfly, I will come from this torment, become a new being.

No longer drab nymph; fully formed in beauty.

Darkness beckoned, but I put down the gun.

I choose to live, to embrace hope, to fly!

Once again, Friday is fast approaching. Madison Woods has issued the weekly challenge and photo prompt for the Friday Fictioneers. For more information and to read other entries just click on this link: http://madison-woods.com/flash-fiction/damsel-fly/